The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
