Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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