Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
