I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize