Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
