I could have mohawked her pubes.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
