Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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