you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
