There was a lot of him and a little penis
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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