I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
