i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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