my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
