I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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