I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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