I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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