the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
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I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
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I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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