oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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