I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
