There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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