That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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