Even the bartender felt bad for me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
