some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
