does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
