i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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