Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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