My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
