He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
