You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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