alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
