he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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