If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We need a shit load of segways right now
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
