life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
