im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
