Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
