If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
