I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
3pm strippers are depressing
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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