I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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