he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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