If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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