I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
