My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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