I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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