I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
