remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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