Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just blew my weed a kiss
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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