Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This is the high leading the old right now
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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