My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
