4 words: hood of his car
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We talked him into tasing himself.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
