i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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