I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
