I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
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Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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