It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
