So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
