Plan B is the new Plan A
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
